15 Going On 51

I’m 15 (and a half) and I love old people. I could kick it with the baddest of the senior citizens out there. Actually, I prefer chilling with the old folks. They’re not only terribly adorable, but they also hold so much wisdom in their fragile little bodies. I think I love them so much that I’m turning into one of them. It’s like my mind is going through some kind of weird reverse Benjamin Button situation on steroids. Day by day I don’t get days older, but years.

Reasons why:

1.)    NPR is to me what Facebook is to other people. The other day I made the mistake of setting NPR.com as my homepage. Bad idea. Half of the time I can’t get past it in order to do whatever I got online to do. I read an article in the paper once that said the NPR listener age demographic is 54. There are always outliers.

2.)    I love soup. Soup is just delicious.  All day, e’ry day. Especially vegetarian soup. Veggies are yummy.

3.)    I wear Bill Crosby sweaters. I spend a good amount of time in thrift stores and there’s something about old people sweaters that make me happy.

I'd buy this sweater if I saw it at the thrift store.

4.)    I’m too cautious to be a teenager. My conscious is  an old lady saying, “There are consequences to your actions sunny boy.” Also, I like folk music. Something just gets me when I hear those banjos bro.

5.)    I call everybody ‘kiddo’, even my mom. It’s kind of a problem.

6.)     I love tea. Though I dump mounds of sugar in it, tea is priceless.

7.)    I’m counting the days till I’m 50 so I can join AARP. Sometimes I even play the games on their site.  AARP allows senior citizens to live such wonderful lives where they get discounts on medicine and exclusive coupons. That’s the life.

8.)    Shameless farting. Ever been in the library looking for a book when the old lady next to you bends down and lets one rip and doesn’t even flinch? You think, maybe she didn’t hear it? But I bet she did, it’s just that there’s really no need making a fuss over it. NBD.

9.)    My bones crack like nobody’s business. Also, my skin is way dry. I need to invest in some cocoa butter. Or Gold Bond.

There are barbies for old people too.

10.) I check up on my grandfather just as much as he checks up on me. Usually our conversations go like this:

Him: Hey baby, how you doin’?

Me: Ya know keeping in there. You still alive, huh?

Him: Yeah, I am. Don’t feel too well though, but I’m still here.

Me: Well we can only pray that you make it through another night. Make sure you eat some soup.

Him: Alright, talk to you later. Tell my first born to call me. Peace.

Me: Love you kiddo.

Him: Love you black.

Me: Love you blacker.

(It may sound ridiculous because it is.)

Growing old doesn’t phase me one bit. I welcome those laugh lines and wrinkles. That salt and pepper hair. My actions will be justified when I’m old, because right now I spend a little too much time listening to All Things Considered.